Dumbledick The 9th - I Must Scream But I'm Lost
by bulletfreakchickens
Summary: After being defeated Voldemort finds himself back in 1991 attached to Quirrell in an alternative reality, one where wizards have a culture of sexual deviancy and everyone's a poorly written joke of themselves, and all quite mad to top. Will Voldemort find a way to escape this universe before he too becomes a parody of his former self? M for existential horror and mature content.
1. Chapter 1 - Returning Magical

BOY! GET THE HELL UP!

Harry woke up to Uncle Vernon's more intense then usual screaming.

Yes Uncle?

Suddenly Vernon punched Harry in the face, and he knew no more.

o - o - o - o - o - o - o – o – o

Sometime later that day Harry woke up in in a state of confusion on a train.

Where are we Uncle? Harry asked Vernon, who was sitting in the other side of the compartment, with a very pale looking, Dudley, who seemed as still as a statue.

We're going to your new school. Vernon replied.

What new school?

Hogdicks, the finest school of witchcraft and perversion in the world.

Per….perversion?! Harry asked, confused.

Well, that's what happens when all wizards happen to be crazy deviants. It's in the culture.

Also, are you saying I'm a wizard? Harry said, taken back.

Sure. So am I. I'm actually a Professor at Hogdicks, I'm coming back this year to renew my tenure as Muggle Studies Professor after watching you and Dudley for 11 years.

What's a muggle? Asked Harry.

Non magic folk, like Petunia.

Wait, you're just leaving Aunt Petunia back home?

No, she's not your aunt either. She was a homeless muggle I found and mind controlled to believe she was your aunt. I suppose she'll be going back to the homeless shelter after the authorities find her back home, in a house that's now for sale.

But why? Why haven't you told me I was a wizard before today? Why did you lie about Petunia being my aunt? And why is Dudley here with us?

Because boy, I was charged with watching over you and Dudley as a sort of experiment. My task was to figure out how and why you were able to survive a death curse to the face from the dark lord.

Da...dark lord? Harry Exclaimed.

Yes, that's how you got that scar and how your parents actually died. It honestly still cracks me up to this day to believe the excuse I was told to give was that they died in a car crash. Vernon then loudly bellowed to himself.

As for Dudley here, he's not actually my son, he's a squib, non magical folk born to a magical family. My task was to see if I could get him to perform SOME magic, ANY magic. But as it turns out all he's good at doing is emptying the fridge. Vernon chuckled. I mean, do you seriously think I'd allow my kid to get that fat?

It all made sense to Harry then, why would Uncle Vernon let his own son get fat if he himself was practically a body builder. Why did Aunt Petunia seem to randomly disappear from the house every other month, only to come back looking like she slept under a bridge for a week whenever Uncle Vernon went on his business trips.

That still doesn't explain why you treated me so poorly all these years. Harry insinuated.

Actually, it does. In order to get you to perform some sort of extraordinary magic that you might have I had to treat you like shit in order to trigger your accidental magic, magic that only happens when a child is in danger. But as it would turn out, that's not the case. The most you ever did was teleport on top of the house occasionally and turn my hair pink. Chuckled Vernon. But yes Harvey, I apologize.

You still can't even remember my name, so I doubt you actually care.

I can't what? Oh look at that, we're there.

With that Vernon grabbed Harry's hand while holding up Dudley in the palm of his other hand and apparated out of the compartment and onto the platform outside.

Bonjour Vernon! Exclaimed A very tall man with a long thick scraggly beard.

Hey Hagrid, sorry I'm late but the Headmaster ordered me to get this subject here in one piece, so

apparating a long distance like that was out of the question.

With that Vernon grabbed at his arm in pain.

It would seem that the Headmaster wants me right away.

Vernon then grabbed Harry's arm again and he felt like he was being squeezed through a straw again.

o - o - o - o - o - o - o – o – o

SEVERUS?! SEVERUS IS THAT YOU?

Harry found himself in the most ornate office he's ever seen, with the oldest man he's ever seen. Wearing exotic, neon coloured robes and had a long white beard and crescent shaped glasses.

No Sir it's Vernon, I've returned with Harvey and the subject.

My name's Harry!

Oh sorry Vernon, I was having visions of the good ol days again. Chuckled the Headmaster. Yes, please drop off the subject in this tub of industrial grade acid I've prepared.

With that Dudley slowly dissolved into nothingness, all without a scream.

Awwww yesss, reminds me of when I was still young. The Headmaster said with a glimmer in his eye.

Anyways, I'm Professor Dumbledick, Headmaster of this school. Please to meet you finally Harvey.

The pale and mortified Harry didn't respond.

HOW RUDE! TALK TO YOUR ELDERS! Dumbledick shouted.

Well, anyways it's time to HAVE A FANCY FEAST! With that Dumbledick vanished.

Come on boy, time to meet your classmates. Vernon said as he dragged the still motionless Harry out of the Headmaster's office.


	2. Chapter 2 - The Start of a New Year

This Harvey is the great hall. Harry looked around, taking in all the new stimuli. At the front of the room sat an angry looking man with shoulder length black hair in very tight leather clothing. Next to him sat an old lady in a wheelchair that was asleep, drooling all over the place. Next to her was a man violently eating onions with a hammer and spork to wore a purple turban that had a post it note that read "be spooked". 4 long tables sat in the hall, each one full of pale faced children that seemed scared for their lives. Vernon picked up Harvey and threw him onto a table with a red and gold flag hanging above it, Harvey landed spectacularly in a pile on top of a steaming ham, scalding him.

Dumbledick then arrived with a puff in, coming out of a neon pink cloud.

CHILDREN, HAVE YOU EVER SEEN AN OLD MAN SLAP HIS SAGGY BALLS ON A GIMPS FACE? Screamed Dumbledick as he rapidly licked his lips.

The younger children still sat still looking frightened, the older kids however screamed and ran for the door.

WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!? Dumbledick gleefully yelled. THIS IS A FANCY FEAST FOR FANCY CHILDREN! With that he snapped his fingers, breaking several of them in a loud crack, and the only exit out of the hall slammed shut in everyone's faces.

HERE AT THIS SCHOOL WE TEACH CLASSES SUCH AS SCIENTOLOGY, SATANIC WITCHCRAFT, AND KOREAN CALCULUS! WE'D LOVE TO WELCOME EVERY ONE OF YOU TO OUR SCHOOL! With that Dumbledick crumbled to the ground and the man in tight leather stepped up to the podium, kicking Dumbledick out of the way.

We have kidnapped you, I mean, abducted you today to teach you magic. I am the Korean Calculus professor here, Severus Snape, or as everyone likes to call me, Professor Snape Senpai. We wouldn't have forcefully taken you, but we had a rash history of being lynched by muggles in the past. So, taking you children out of your houses in the middle of the night in a big white van is really the best way. I'm sure the pure blooded children will be more then happy to teach you about our underground world of fashion.

Suddenly Hagrid marched into the hall, Bonjour comrades, YA Khagrid - khranitel' zemli. Suddenly several pipe bombs fell out of his oversized coat.

Blimey governor! Slow down. Said what sounded like a small girl's voice inside Hagrid's coat.

Tais-toi de vieux pruneau séché. Said Hagrid as he slammed his fists on one of his pockets.

After Hagrid got seated everyone looked up at Dumbledick who just woke up.

ANOTHER THING! WE HAVE A NEW PROFESSOR THIS YEAR! SAY HELLO TO PROFESSOR QUIRRELL!

How do you do? Said the very calm man in the turban, still hitting onions with a hammer.

ALSO SAY HELLO TO THE RETURNING PROFESSOR DURSLEY! OUR MUGGLE STUIDES PROFESSOR!

Vernon dumped his giant glass of mead all over the old lady in the wheelchair after that.

Well I think it's time for bed children! Suddenly Harvey and everyone else found themselves in a dank dungeon, with seemingly no way out.

o - o - o - o - o - o - o – o - o

Is it like this all the time said one kid to an older student.

No, he usually DOES slap a gimp, usually professor Snape Senpai, in the face with his balls.

o - o - o - o - o - o - o – o – o

Well Severus, I think I did a good job.

Sir, you scared everyone half to death again.

Well Severus if you want a job done right, you have to hammer it in the head with a long spike then run around on fire.

I suppose that's one way of putting it, Snape Senpai said disdainfully.

Suddenly the old lady in the wheelchair startled awake.

GOD DAMN IT DUMBLEDICK! YOU COCKLORD! Why didn't you wake me up? You know I'm a light weight compared to you guys, why did we have a drinking contest before this anyways?

Because I hate you Minerva, that's why. Also you should probably check to see if I sent the children to the right place, they may have ended up in Snape's Bedroom by accident.

At least I'd have real company for once. Said Snape rolling his eyes.

Yes I should be going anyways. Stated Quirrell. Who magically disappeared as soon as he said that.


	3. Chapter 3 - Classes

This children, is how you summon a succubus. Said McGonagall as she made a deeper cut on her leg.

BY THE POWER INVESTED IN ME BY OUR LORD AND SAVIOR, I HEREBY ORDER SOME QUALITY SUCKY SUCKY!

With that there was a minor earthquake, causing a section of the ceiling to collapse on half the class. Professor McGonagall however, seemed oblivious to the fact half her class is now dead.

OH YESSSSSS! LOOK AT THEM LEGS! McGonagall yelled as she gocked at the newly summoned succubus, which seemed to bear a strange resemblance to Professor Snape Senpai.

Pro...Professor! I think Malfoy's dead! And I think half the class as well Exclaimed a visually shaken student.

Nonsense children, that ceiling only but partially crippled him. With that McGonagall levitated the chunk of ancient stone off Draco's legs as he let out a harsh scream.

Shut up ferret boy! With that McGonagall turned Draco into a ferret.

IMPERIO! McGonagall shouted, after which she said. Now go home and don't come back until your father comes here. With that Ferret Draco zoomed out of the room.

Now where were we? Oh yes, now this children is what we call a sphinx.

o - o - o - o - o - o - o – o - o

2 hours later and exhausted, Harvey fell into a crumble into his last class of the day, Scientology.

Hello students, I'm Professor Quirrell. I believe you remember me from last nights feast?

This was odd, not only did Quirrell seem like the only normal person in the school, but he also seemed friendly. Harry pondered.

Now today we're going over why Scotland Yard puts tiny cameras into people's knickers, and how much you can donate to our totally legitimate religion.

Or maybe not, Harvey thought.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Quirrell suddenly shrieked.

Everyone looked up to see Quirrell rapidly punching himself and dipping his face into a vat of crushed onions.

STOP HITTING YOURSELF! STOP HITTING YOURSELF! Quirrell exclaimed to himself.

Then suddenly, one of the walls collapsed to reveal the Muggle Studies Professor Dursely.

This kids, is how a muggle bulldozer works.

All of a sudden Quirrell seemed to get strangely calm as he glanced at Vernon.

Good evening Professor said Vernon. I was just showing my class how to properly break into a bank using a muggle Bombarda charm.

I see that. I was just going over how to pray to Xenu to my students. Explained Quirrell.

After quickly taking in the Scientology classes pale faces, he got a funny look on his face.

Is that so? Said Vernon in a suspicious voice.

Yes. You should know yourself that Xenu requires a large sample of onions rubbed in your eyes to be seen. The children are always shocked their first time seeing it.

I guess so….Anyways class, let's go over to that pile of scrap wood, I'll be demonstrating how to use a muggle fire charm next. Said Vernon as he pulled out a large flamethrower.

Anyways class, ignoring the new large hole to the outside Professor Dursely so gracefully made for us, let's turn to chapter 2 in your "How Can Mirrors Be Real If Our Eyes Aren't" textbooks.

The class was then shortly abrupted again as a very loud explosion sounded outside.

Mes bombes de pipe! Pochemu ty podzheg moyu khizhinu!? Exclaimed a very burnt and upset Hagrid.

Sorry Hagrid, I mistaked your house for a pile of rubbish planks. Laughed Vernon.

Nous verrons ob etom. Grumbled Hagrid as he marched away.

Blimey! Don't go starkers on me Hagrid! Nuff said, yeah? Shouted a small girl with bushy brown hair as she brushed soot off her robes. Before then chasing after the furious halfgiant.

Any….Anyways class, please continue reading now. Commanded Professor Quirrell, who seemed to have as much of a perplexed look on his face as the class did.

o - o - o - o - o - o - o – o - o

SEVERUS! WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS GAPING HOLE IN THE WALL OF MY HOUSE?! Exclaimed a furious Dumbledick.

Sir this isn't your house, this is a school.

Well I live here don't I?

Yes, but that's not the point…..

YES IT IS! WHO DID THIS?!

I believe it was Vernon again. Drawled Snape.

WELL TELL HIM TO USE MORE LUBE NEXT TIME! Yelled Dumbledick.

Headmaster I believe we're talking about two different things again.

No we're not. I only allow blasting jelly on these walls, not giant balls of steel!

Uh huh, but it's still a hole in the wall.

LIKE I SAID SENPAI, NEEDS MORE LUBE!


	4. Chapter 4 - Reawakening

Tell me again, WHY IS DUMBLEDORE NAMED DUMBLEDICK? Asked a very shocked voice on the back of Quirrell's head.

Because he, very occasionally mind you, fucks students.

I...I can't believe what I'm hearing, and how you can say that so casually. The voice said. Where I'm from Dumbledore is the greatest wizard around, besides myself that is.

Well, where I'M from he's a senile coot who falls asleep at his podium for days on end and married Snape a couple years back out of blind rage. That's common knowledge anyways.

That's another thing, the Severus Snape I know is a disgruntled, sad man who takes out his regrets on his students and was also one of my followers.

Well here we found Voldemort, he had no men, and quite frankly he was a nutter, not unlike yourself. He thought he could tell us not to kidnap muggle borns from their homes randomly without notifying their parents. Talk about being as politically incorrect as you can be. Quirrell explained.

So you thought that was justification for bludgeoning him to death? The now upset voice asked.

Really Voldemort, what else were we to do? He killed off our most famous actors, James and Lily Potter.

Well, have you ever considered that maybe it was justified considering James and Lily were open promoters of child abuse that tons of wizards took after? Did you ever consider the fact that YOU were the ones on the wrong, not Voldemort? Voldemort seethed.

STOP IT! You're giving me a migraine! Quirrell yelped, then started calmly chanting to himself "join us for a new car, join us for a new car, no, money down, guaranteed.

You're far inferior to even my universe's Quirrell, you know that? A quivering, stuttering moron he was, but at least he was a knowledgeable teacher unlike you. What's that term we have for people like you in my universe? Oh yeah, con artist.

MEEEE MEEEE MEEE MEEE MEEE MEEE! Quirrell repeatably said to himself. I'M NOT CRAZY YOU'RE CRAZY! Quirrell then started to hit himself.

You know what, that's the last straw. Voldemort stated.

Qurriell then suddenly stopped, and a smirk went across his face.

So, this is what full body possessions like. Huh. Voldemort then pondered on what to do next.

Well this dramatically speeds up the plan. I didn't expect to achieve full ego destruction of Quirrell and body possession until a year minimum. Guess he really was a joke compared to the real Quirrell. Voldemort chuckled to himself.

Suddenly, in a flash, he found himself looking eye to eye with his former subordinate.

The Headmaster demands you change out of that ridiculous turban immediately. Said Snape, looking at Voldemort as if he was dirt under his foot.

Is that so? Well tell him that he won't get his lemon drop stash back then.

YOU WOULDN'T! How dare you steal my Dumble's yums!

Relax, I know you were just making that up because you personally hate my turban. Well guess today's your lucky day. Voldemort said as he took off Quirrell's turban, to reveal his bald head.

That's all I ever wanted! Snape started weeping to himself, before then running out of Qurriell's living quarters.

So, I've convinced Snape I stole Dumbledore's infamous ecstasy laced lemon drops Quirrell was telling me about. I think I just found myself a bargaining chip. Voldemort joyfully thought to himself.

o - o - o - o - o - o - o – o - o


End file.
